I've finally arrived...

pO157.

Posted to Diary on Mon Mar 31, 2008 at 09:05:24 PM EST. RSS.

There comes a time in each person's life when you know you have finally made a difference in the lives of others. Perhaps you finally passed that exam you've been studying hard for, or maybe you got that new job. I hit a milestone today. What was it? Well, it was my first postal death threat.

By way of background I submitted an Op-Ed piece to a major newspaper a couple weeks ago. It was published. This is the 3rd letter to the editor I had ever wrote, as I tend to not write in unless I feel a topic is especially pressing.

Regrettably due to the glasnost of state government you can look up property information in my jurisdiction. Therefore, as a homeowner I am in a public government internet database and you can determine my address, how much I paid for my house, its assessment, etc.

Anywho, today I received three (3) pieces of relevant correspondence in my mailbox. One consisted of xerox copies of a lengthy manifesto and various newspaper clippings somebody thought would be interesting to me for some reason. Apparently my letter to the editor changed his life and he felt the need to take up a correspondence with me and share various letters he had written to Senator Clinton giving her campaign advice. He was the only one to sign his name and provide a return address.

The second was a typewritten letter full of generalized suppositions, insults, threats and unrelated, tangential references to police actions in Grenada and Haiti. I wasn't really sure where he was going, and the references to pop quotes from "Back to the Future" really didn't add much to his argument. Unfortunately, as he selected a used, torn utility bill return mailer with the electric company address covered with a sticker and my home info scrawled with magic marker and a fake return address I will be unable to continue what I am sure would be a most enlightening conversation with him/her. Thankfully he informed me "I am writing a fake return address" in the letter so I would not take the time of writing a reply and wondering why it did not go through to a Mr. "U SucK!" [sic] In other news, who the hell writes a threatening letter and uses a commemorative Gerald Ford postage stamp for payment? WTF is that shit? I mean, who takes the time to do a search of public domain records to find somebody, angrily writes a letter in 6 point, triple spaced courier font, and is in such a hurry to send the venom out that they forget to do a spell check but yet picks a memorial portrait of a guy who almost got taken out by some crazy chick who went by "Squeaky" as the stamp that says "I Strenuously Disagree With Your Letter and Should I ever Come Across You On the Street it would most assuredly result in Fisticuffs?" Come on.

Finally, was a brief, and mostly terse letter written in pencil on yellow legal paper. The handwriting alternated between "Psycho Block Print mostly likely sent from a Shack in Montana" and 'Extremely Effeminate Girly 4th grade cursive'. It had everything but the hearts. Anywho, the text of the letters is as follows:

Read you News article --- you've got the wrong people really pissed off at you why don't you go suck some Muslim cock you fucking asshoole. we are vets and belong to a very nasty Club See you Real Soon.
Have a Nice day you fucking cocksucker.
(signed random guy's initials and his gang affiliations)

Now, as far as the letters go, I have to give the last one serious mad props. It got straight to the point, questioned my loyalty to the country, and made the threat clear and to the point in one or two massive run on sentences. There was no needless exposition. While the grammar, mechanics, diction, handwriting, and word choice could all use some major work, I had to applaud the choice of generic legal paper, blank white #10 envelope, and pencil. However, based on the writer's odd handwriting I think there may be some repressed sexuality issues going on. But that's cool.

So how did I celebrate crossing this momentous milestone in my life? Well, my wife didn't like my joke that the last letter could our ticket to a free CCW permit in this strict "may-issue" state. So, I went to the grocery store, and picked up a sixer of my favorite lager, 0.8lbs of chocolate pretzels, and listened to some Kanye on the way. 'Cuz that's how I roll.

The take home message? After my letter hit the papers I got numerous congratulatory e-mails. But the psychos commented via paper and pencil. So, when you take the time to send the very craziest you gotta go old school.