If you're a fan of immature, filthy, and often unfair humor when it comes to football, Why Your Team Sucks will be right up your alley. Extra points for reading all the fan replies from those who didn't realize early on that there was going to be an entry for everyone, even the team that won it all last year.

    What will I be watching/expecting this year? For the Giants to return to form and not even make the playoffs. For the Steelers to suck, just to indicate there's some kind of justice in the universe. For the Broncos to demonstrate that a lot of their success last year was due to having a great FG kicker with incredible range. For Tebow to drop back to his natural lack of talent as an NFL QB, replace Sanchez when/if the team starts 2-2, and finish at 5-11. What I won't be looking forward to is being forced to watch Cardinals games instead of something decent, because I don't care to pay any more for TV than I already do.

Ex ignorantia ad sapientiam; e luce ad tenebras

I'll just pick division champs and wildcards:

AFCE:  Patriots
AFCN:  Steelers, Ravens (wc)
AFCS:  Texans
AFCW: Broncos, Chargers (wc)

NFCE:  Eagles
NFCN:  Bears, Lions (wc)
NFCS:  Saints
NFCW: 49ers, Seahawks (wc)

Allons-y!

Houston defeats Green Bay.

WHO DAT?!?

If we are referencing deadspin humour, let's not overlook their gleeful bloodlust over head coaches getting fired.   (I'll admit to sharing this glee, since head coaches getting fired: AWESOME.) Here are my predictions such:

A) Coaches who will be fired unless their squad appears in the super bowl, essentially, coaches who are getting fired:

Mike Smith, Falcons; Jim Schwartz, Lions; Leslie Frazier, Vikings; Rex Ryan, Jets; Andy Reid, Eagles; Norv Turner, Chargers.

B) Coaches who will be fired mid-season or off-season, causing ENTER THE GRUDEN/COWHER, the prodigal supercoach with GM Pudding Power*.  And so on:

Lovie Smith, Bears; Jason Garrett, Cowboys.

C) Boring Teams who will fire their coaches, causing rehiring of either failed head coaches or brash youngish no-necked gogetters, or worst of all, big name college program coaches:

Chiefs, Jaguars, Seahawks.

D) Honorary Jeff Fisher rule: a coach who has previously led a team to a super bowl, but has never won one, isn't later fired soon enough from that or later jobs, due to the SB pedigree. (See also: Fassel, Jim)

Ken Wisenhunt, Cardinals;  John Fox, Broncos; Jeff Fisher, Rams. Oh yeah!

*I also expect wild speculation about who will take over the NY Giants or the NE Patriots, since if either of those teams wins it all, I predict that team's coach will retire.  

You want predictions?  How about awesome fan fiction instead, because when I predict records, they don't add up to .500.  Do yours?

NFC EAST:  
NYG: 11-5. win division completely by accident, look like complete shit all season long.
DC: 8-8. no playoffs, huge buzz for 2013, when they go 6-10.
PHI: 7-9. They have that Radieresque talent of a 12-4 team that stupidly loses 5 games by a combined 8 points.
DAL:  4-12; 1-7 at midseason. Garrett fired, Romo cut after the season, where he will than take over the coveted Vikings QB position.  

NFC NORTH:
GB: 15-1. Would be 16-0, but Aaron Rodgers and Clay Matthews have some amazing photobomb ideas that require throwing an NFL game.  But who cares about fucking off in the Christmas week game against the Titans?  
DET: 10-6. You thought they were ok, but they sorta suck.
CHI: 9-7. I'm sorry, but the Bears might as well be in the NFC West for how boring they are.  
MIN: 2-14.  Seriously, Tony Romo is gonna look awesome in that purple helmet, guys.

NFC SOUTH:
ATL: 11-5. Win division only to get crushed yet again at home in playoffs.  
CAR: 11-5. Lose tiebreaker, yet be Vegas favorite to win SB when playoffs start.
NO: 10-6. Who needs a starting defense when your QB can throw 6 TDS a game?  ASKS THE PATS FAN.
TB:  5-11, 6-10 if they play at least one game in the throwbacks.  You know the ones.

NFC WEST:
SF: 12-4.  Because why not?  Its not as if their approach wasn't completely easy to figure out last year, its that they are good at playing simple football.  
ARI: 9-7.  Exciting, but not good enough.  
SEA: 8-8.  America's 2nd favorite "let's banish them to  CFL!" team will ruin my Sundays again by dominating local coverage
STL: 5-11.  But they will play hard for their "good" coach!

AFC WEST:
DEN: 8-8. Division winner, Peyton looks like old Farve/Marino/Montana, where he continues to excel at an even slower pace.
SD: 8-8. Phillip Rivers, on the other hand, is starting to look like old Bledsoe/Kitna/McNabb.  I sense another glorious year of 4,300 passing yards, 21 TDs, and 31 INTS.  
OAK: 8-8. No playoffs for the Raiders, but slightly less scorn.  Slightly.  
KC: 4-12.  But will they move to LA?  (no.) Will that "threat" sell papers? (yes.)

AFC SOUTH:
HOU.  11-5, but only because everyone else in this division is crap.
JCK: 7-9. Seriously, why did they not just give Tebow everything he asked for?  
TEN: 6-10.  This is your joke about the Tennessee Titans.  I know I'm laughing!
IND: 3-13. Why does everyone seem to assume that Andrew Luck is going to do any better on this totally shitty team than anyone else?  I suspect even Peyton himself would have gone 3-13 with that horrid team last year.  RGIII would go 2-15 with these Colts, and Luck would go 8-8 with those Redskins, but sheesh.  This could be ugly.

AFC NORTH:
BAL: 13-3.  Vengeance for the kicker!
CIN: 10-6.  Hey, its the funky young team you want to be good, but...no.
PIT: 9-7.  This is not a good team.  But they have 2 guaranteed wins....
CLE: 3-13. Do you think anyone in Cleveland would mind if the New Browns also moved to Baltimore?

AFC EAST:
NE: 14-2.  They will lose at Baltimore, and they will lose (in London) to the Rams(!?!). TRAP GAME.  
BUF: 10-6. America's favorite team to banish to the CFL will stave off relegation just long enough to economically collapse and be of the new 7 teams possibly moving to LA.  
NYJ: 4-12.  The single most glorious NFL season of all time, a shitstorm of ineptitude and mendacity that we must wonder, is Rex Ryan not putting on a live action art exhibit, and are we all not also characters in the livingpainting he has masterfully crafted?  Tebow is going to be called for holding more times than any other running back on the Jets.  I also expect Tebow to "start" at least 3 games as a last minute switcheroo. WHO CAN PLAN FOR THAT?
MIA: 0-16.  Since the Lions did it, it doesn't seem far fetched that team could spiral down that route.

----NFC PLAYOFFS:

Wild Card: DET over ATL, CAR over NYG
Divisional: GB over DET, SF over CAR
Champ: GB over SF

----AFC PLAYOFFS:

Wild Card: CIN over DEN, HOU over BUF
Divisional: BAL over CIN, NE over HOU
Champ: NE over BAL

Super Bowl prediction: The Patriots will score repeatedly and at will, and will be up by 13 points with 2:33 to play.  Packers 46, Patriots 42.

Well, as an arrogant Patriots fan exiled in the Phoenix area:

• If the Patriots lose in the Super Bowl, there will be some soul-searching.  Probably the defensive coordinator will be replaced.  

• 14-2 is the minimum expectation for the PATs.  Losing to the Ravens is unacceptable but possible.  Losing in London is also unacceptable.  

• 16-0 is not the goal.  Getting into the tournament is the goal, with home field advantage.  Wild card is not the goal.

• Defense looks better.  Offense has some new parts here and there.  

• I will derive great pleasure from pounding the Jets and the Bills.  Hammering the Dolphins is jsut piling on, those games will be opportunities to flex the backups and give Mallett a chance to throw more than one TD pass.  Or rush for one.  Just to stick it in there good.

• I expect to meet the Giants in the SB.  

For the Cardinals:

• Skelton is not the QB.  Kolb is worse.  Not a good time to be a Cards fan.

• Wisenhunt will lose his job if they go sub-.500, or he will have to can his OC and QB coach.

• Cards defense will be demoralized if they can't hold the ball and score on offense.  This is not a building year.  Wearing down your defense is not an option.

• Do not be surprised if the Cards take a QB off of someone's hands.  Be surprised if it's Leinart.  

• I have no interest in going to a Cards game unless someone interesting is in town.  I might be seeing one in December if the prices go down, though.

I'm ready for some football!

Well, so far my pick of the Giants missing the playoffs is looking pretty good...can't wait for Sunday!

Allons-y!

I suppose my picks won't count since one game is already down and a bunch of others have started.

NFC East: This is the hardest division for me to pick, but probably only because I have an emotional reaction to each of the teams (Hate, hate, hate, and love).

1. Philly, 8-11 wins  On the tears of puppies.
   
2. Washington, 8-10 wins  Yes, I'm probably drinking the kool-aid like I do every season.
   
3. NYG, 7-9 wins They fell off after last Superbowl, and they'll fall off after this Superbowl.
   
4. Dallas, 6-8 wins  First week was a fluke.

NFC North: Clearly the toughest division in the conference

1. Green Bay, 11-15 wins  Just as good as when they won the Superbowl.
   
2. Chicago, 10-12 wins
   
3. Detroit, 7-10 wins  This year's regress to the mean team.
   
4. Minnesota, 4-6 wins

NFC South: In two years, this will be the toughest division in the conference, but only in the way that Brazil is always a future superpower.

1. New Orleans, 9-11 wins  Just not today.
   
2. Atlanta, 9-10 wins  Matt Ryan is becoming the Philip Rivers of the NFC.
   
3. Carolina, 7-10 wins  Defenses will adjust to Cam Newton now that they have a season of video to review.
   
4. Tampa Bay, 5-8 wins

NFC West: Did any of these guys improve in the off-season?

1. SF, 10-12 wins  Only because they have a cakewalk through their division.
   
2. Seattle, 7-8 wins  That's probably an optimistic count for them.
   
3. St. Louis, 4-6 wins
   
4. Arizona, 4-5 wins

AFC West: The biggest off-season news in this division was the loss of one bible-thumpin' "quarterback" and the addition of an over-the-hill cyborg quarterback.  Somehow, it's still the hardest to pick in the conference.

1. Denver, 9-10 wins
   
2. San Diego, 8-9 wins  After starting the season 0-3 or something.
   
3. KC, 7-10 wins
   
4. Oakland, 7-9 wins

AFC South: The division I care about the least?

1. Houston, 10-12 wins
   
2. Tennessee, 8-10 wins
   
3. Jacksonville, 5-7 wins
   
4. Indianapolis, 3-6 wins  They looked horrible in the pre-season and hey, Peyton Manning had to start with a horrible season, too.

AFC North: Toughest division in the conference.

1. Cincinnati, 10-13 wins  Mostly because I'm tired of hearing about the Ravens and Steelers.
   
2. Baltimore, 9-12 wins
   
3. Pittsburgh, 8-9 wins  Getting old.
   
4. Cleveland, 2-5 wins  Hopefully one of them will be today.

AFC East:

1. New England, 11-13 wins  Again, with some credit to their cakewalk divison.
   
2. Buffalo, 7-9 wins
   
3. NYJ, 6-8 wins
   
4. Miami, 3-5 wins

Playoffs:

NFC: Green Bay, San Fran, New Orleans, Philly, Chicago, Atlanta (but I have hopes for the Redskins)

New Orleans beats Atlanta at home
Chicago beats Philly on the road (with a third quarter hit that knocks Vick out of the game when it looked like he was driving for a go-ahead score)

Green Bay crushes Chicago in the divisional round
New Orleans exposes San Fran

Green Bay defeats New Orleans

AFC: New England, Houston, Cincinnati, Denver, Baltimore, San Diego/Tennessee/Pittsburgh (it won't matter)

Cincinnati edges SD/Tenn/Pitt proving that gingers might have souls and do have feelings
Baltimore defeats Denver (Manning retires)

Baltimore tries to play New England's game and loses in a shootout
Houston ends Cincinnati's Cinderella run

A Texas team that is not evil goes to the Super Bowl

Green Bay over Houston in a lop-sided Super Bowl with mediocre commercials.